so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
