Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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