sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
