im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
When did angry sex become our thing?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
