Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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