well I can't set my house on fire every night
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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