I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If that was your dad, he is hot
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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