I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I want her autograph on my taint
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
