The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
