i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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