Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
