I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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