He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
