I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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