Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
