Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
