I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
