Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
