the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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