proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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