my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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