so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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