I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
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He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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