Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
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I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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