Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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