Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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