ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
