Your face is a jimmy john
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
