I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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