i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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