Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
