The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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