I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
