I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
