nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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