I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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