My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
