I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
