I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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