I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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