I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
