i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself