So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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