He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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