But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
