Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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