I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
