I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
