Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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