some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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