i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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