He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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