I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
