i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
you had me at cake vodka
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
