I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
